Attack of the Momsters / Old as F*@k & Pregnant – A high-risk adventure, Issue #3
“You should get pregnant”, they said. “It’ll be fun”, they said. Why do we tell people what will be good for them, fun for them, best for them? We’re all a bunch of damned hypocrites, aren’t we?
Here’s the part I really don’t understand…
My entire adult life, all of these people who told me I was missing out by not going through the experience of carrying and having a child now have come swooping in like cackling, taunting, dragons or creatures in some apocalyptic world. They come bearing warnings and horror stories about the very experience they once dangled over my head like some trophy I would never achieve. Have a baby, they said. You don’t know what you’re missing, they said.
Where are those promises of undisclosed wonders and sensations that I was led to crave? For some reason, I assumed if I reached this level of their “game” – being pregnant, that is – that I would be allowed behind an even more secret veil of “mommyhood” secrets. All of these well-wishers would let me in on even more of these joyful mysteries they promised for years. Nooooooo!!! Wrooooong!!! Instead, these antagonists now serenade me with phrases like these (and I shit you not! I have heard all of these since becoming pregnant.):
- You’re going to want to look “down there” after it’s over, but whatever you do…DON’T LOOK DOWN THERE!
- Oh, you’re breasts are huge. Well, enjoy it now because they’ll never look the same again. They’ll be saggy the rest of your life.
- God, you’re smaller than I was. You bitch!
- Whatever you do, take the drugs.
- I hope you gain 40lbs, like I did!
- Wait until you try to have sex again afterward.
- Wait until you pee yourself. And you’re GOING TO pee yourself. *laughs
- You’re going to pee yourself afterward from now on without being able to help it.
- You’re going to crap when you deliver, even if you try not to. *insert smug smile
- Kids are great. They’re the greatest thing that will happen to you, but they destroy your vagina forever.
- Just get the drugs, no matter what they tell you. You’ll need them.
- You’re not going to breastfeed? You should really think about doing it. I’m not judging you or anything, but I’d think about it. *add judgmental face here
- Don’t breastfeed, it will destroy your nipples.
- You don’t have stretch marks yet? Well, you’ll get them later then. I still have mine.
- Wait until you get leg cramps in the middle of the night. *laughs
- You’re going to tear. Everyone tears.
- Why are you so tired? What, did you stay up late last night?
- You’d better sleep now while you can enjoy it. *laughs
- Wait until you can’t shave your legs or tie your shoes. *laughs
- Are you going to eat that? Did you eat enough today? What did you eat today? Did you eat enough today? Come on, you can finish all that! I know you can!
- If you name your kid that people are going to call it *insert vulgar nickname here…no matter what name you choose for you baby!
- *sound of cameras clicking whenever you are eating after you hit the 6-month mark
All I have to say is…what the f@#k people! Where is the support I expected from the years of encouragement to “get pregnant”. You sick bastards! It was all a cruel joke.
It reminds me of these high school movie scenarios where the popular kid starts to act unusually kind to the freakish kid. Said freakish kid then thinks the a-hole has had a change of heart, that their life has somehow changed for the better, and that they will no longer be treated like a mutant. We all know what happens next! The popular kid then unleashes his/her most cruel prank and humiliates the freakish kid with scars for life!
So I promise you this… After this wonderful ordeal is all said and done with – yes, I still personally think being pregnant is a wonderful ordeal – if I see a pregnant woman, I WILL NOT unleash horror stories on her, taunts, ill wishes, or bad news in general. It’s just freaking wrong and spiteful. It serves no purpose and is not helpful. If you do or say any of that to a pregnant woman, I dub you a “Momster”! Crawl back under your bridge with the billy goats and trolls where you belong, you evil, bitter creature!
Yeah, yeah. We get that you went through it. You earned some kind of momma badge by pushing one out of your destroyed vagina. Kudos for you. Now, let us do it on our own and experience destroying our vagina on our own without you trying to rub in our face all the ways the pregnancy you once flaunted was horrible. Good lord, people. Did the baby break your soul and manners along with your vagina?
That’s all from the peanut gallery today.
Drea – out!
Drea Damara is an occasional blogger of useless information, author, and currently a pregnant woman who is determined not to be vexed by the spiteful Momsters lurking throughout the world.