OAFAP-#1. Well, it happened. I’m old as f*@k. I discovered this on a recent trip to the “lady doctor” to obtain contraceptives for the new love that recently graced my life. The doctor, however, informed me that the oral contraceptives (and other alternatives) I’ve been familiar with are “high risk” for women over 35. I asked her, “Are you telling me that old people can’t have sex?”
She replied, “No. They just have to be extra careful.”
Normally, I would have thought not breaking a hip fell into the being extra careful category, but I could no longer jest since I had suddenly been thrown into the old folks group. In the mean time, I went home and proved that old people still “have it”, thinking I was being careful.
The day my old lady “sexy-time” pills finally arrived in the mail, I wasn’t feeling quite right and so I took a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side. After failed relationships, most of which were with men who never wanted children, I had pretty much settled on the idea that I would be a childless old lady and hope that one of my nephews would take pity on me in my old age. I always wanted and love children, but there comes a time in your life when you have to accept that certain things may never happen. I trained myself to not feel the sting of disappointment by being honest with myself and said goodbye to those feelings.
So I took one test…then another. After the results on test number three popped up, the same as the previous two, I stared in the mirror. All I could think was, “No way. I’m pregnant. I’m old as f*@k AND pregnant!”
I know I’m not the first woman to become with child, nor the first at 35 or older to do so, but I assume I’ll only experience this once. And being constantly reminded by the nurses and doctors that I am “high risk” because I’m 35 has begun to add a sardonic outlook on this pregnancy, like they think I’m a medical phenomenon that belongs in a bubble. One thing’s for certain, no matter how old I am, I am looking forward to this adventure – the laughs, the worry, the excitement – every moment of it, I plan to embrace.
To top off the fact that I’ve been branded an old cows at 35, the proud father is 42. We are both broken, beat-up veterans, who compliment each other’s involuntary noises from the movement of our achy joints and bones. So what do you do after the shock of realizing you’re old and pregnant hits you? You try to figure out how to tell your old ass boyfriend he’s going to be a father again. (He has a teenage daughter and thought he was going to retire soon from the rough part of parenting.)
Well, when the night I think our blessed mishap occurred, I worriedly told him to be careful until my old lady contraceptives arrived because I could get pregnant. He laughed it off and said, “Don’t worry. I’m probably shooting blanks.”
The day I informed him he was going to be a father, I decided to soften the blow with a little gift. I figured he’ll need a lot of coffee when the little one arrives so I got him the biggest coffee mug I could find. The inscription on it read: Great dads get promoted to grandpas. It was an attempt at humor about our age and a nod at his parenting skills of his teenage daughter.
After the news sunk in, I glanced over and saw him staring off in a trance. I was curious about any delayed reactions, although he’d wrapped me in a big bear hug as soon as I told him and congratulated us. As I watched, I heard his faint voice, as though in a whisper of awe. He murmured in what sounded like pride, “I have super sperm.”
I laughed and said, “No you don’t. You were just a dumbass!”
So apparently he went from being old as f*@k to a super hero instead. I think men convince themselves of certain age markers – points in life where they can or cannot do something any longer. I’m glad he seems to think he deserves a trophy for the simple, yet miraculous act of getting me pregnant. There are so many alternatives to how people our age could react to such a life event.
So stick around. I’ll keep you posted on the adventures of being Old as f*@k and Pregnant (OAFAP) I’ve been laughing already at little moments, so I hope it will bring some joy and reassurance to those who have shared or will share my experiences.