There’s tons of info out there for the inquiring ladies on better hair, smaller butts, better sex, better everything. We even go so far as to publish what we’re told are the deepest darkest secrets of the men’s psyche when it comes to these things, so for the fellas…this one’s for you, although some of it may not be surprising.
10 Things Women Do Before A Date:
1. Shaved every inch of my legs, twice…ok, maybe three times. The rest of the time those appendages are kind of like the unspoken world policy on third-world countries, no matter what women tell you – we just sort of neglect them until there’s a major humanitarian crisis.
2. Wolfed down something scrumptious that I am ashamed to eat in public.
This one has some specific guidelines, however. A woman’s body can be a beautiful thing and a mysterious one at that. Too much of the wrong thing will bloat you up like a Macy’s day spectacle and leave you crying at the result an hour or two later. So…that said, you can still make like Precious and scurry some deep fried off to the bathroom vanity to “nibble” on while you do your hair, but portion control…pacing…these are things any skilled woman with an appetite understands. What’s for dessert? Ha ha, that salad I’m going to eat in front of you.
3. Tried on everything in my closet and will now take me a week to put it all back.
Why? Because those jeans didn’t fit like that last time, I swear! Ooh, I forgot I had this! This one makes me look fat. I’ll sweat my butt off in that. If I spill something on this one I’ll be pissed off all night… etc. etc.
4. Jammed out to some totally inappropriate music that will likely in no way represent the mood of the evening.
It’s not about you, guys, it never is. Sorry. It’s about feeling good about ourselves and jamming out makes me feel good. It’s kind of like…we’re getting ready to take ourselves on a date! Oh, you can come along though!
5. Shaved my eyebrows.
Because sometimes its just too late to pluck them. Shaving takes a very skilled hand and just the right angle to get just those one or two pesky little hairs that may have sprung up. Plucking will leave some swollen, red welt-like impressions and sting like hell all night, leaving us self-conscious and that’s a “no no”. Plus, you never ever ever want to be in danger of looking like Bert from Sesame Street, although, frankly that’s just in our minds.
6. And while we’re at it…trim the “garden”.
Hey, I’m being honest here. You could be taking us to meet your mother for the first time. We may not even like you and plan to never see date #2, but, yeap, that’s right…a little sculpting is mandatory. What if in the off-chance you’re a horrendous driver and we meet our untimely death due to your poor vehicular skills, ending the night naked in front of a very sexy coroner? We take no chances.
7. Shove anything we don’t want you to see in the closet (if you’re coming to pick us up). Hey, it’s hard to stay this beautiful AND keep a clean house. Besides, maybe we’re not ready to share our love of action figures, every copy of Jane Austen’s novels, that childhood photo of us and Mom that makes us cry but that we’d never show anyone else. A girl needs a little privacy…and sometimes a BIG closet.
8. Odor control. That wonderful floral aroma you whiff as you enter the secret domain of your lady may fade over time. It’s because she’s just emptied half a bottle of Febreeze into the atmosphere prior to your arrival. She’s also fanned her nervous armpits 47 times, packed gum in her purse, brushed her teeth, flossed, gurgled mouth wash, and sprizted her best perfume around her like a protective mist. Why you ask? Ha, silly…because girls don’t smell.
9. Dumped my purse out and carefully replaced select contents.
Much like Alison from The Breakfast Club, the average woman is like a bag lady, prepared for any crisis, while also being half “pack-rat”. We don’t even know what we have in there on any given day. It’s like Christmas, sometimes we find shit we thought we lost and its such a wonderful surprise it makes our purses like an endless giving tree. However, if we know you’re coming a-knockin’ we downsize. Anything that clinks, jangles, clunks has to go because we don’t want to sound like we’re carting around a toolbox. If that puppy slumps over at the dinner table we can’t risk our bag-o-mystery spilling its dirtiest darkest secrets for all to see.
…and where do we put all the excess on date-night? In that closet with Uncle Buck’s bowling ball 😉
10. Have a serious conversation with “the girls”.
Because as Cameron Diaz put it, there is a big difference between 22 and 28 or 38 or 58 for that matter. When my little sister was about five years old she asked my grandmother while pointing to her own chest and then my grandmother, “Grandma…why are ‘these’ down here?” Grandma chuckled and replied, “Well, when you get older…they slide down farther.” True, sad, but true. Gravity’s a bitch.
And all of that my good men is what it takes to meet you with confidence and a big smile at the door. The only thing that takes more thought and preparation is probably pre-deployment invasion exercises.
For the women lighting their torches to hunt me down, you can find me on Twitter @dreadamara
Drea Damara is the author of The Weeping Books Of Blinney Lane and occasional blogger of useless information.